Saturday, March 3, 2012

The Ten Commandments of Running

from "The Gospel According to Lauren."

1. Thou shalt not do what givest thou grief. Dost thou even LIKE to run in the first place? If every step inviteth the thought, "I hate my life," then thou shalt stop immediately and turn thy face towards Zumba instead.

2. Thou shalt invest in a good pair of running shoes. Be not deceived by Asics, for just because they are popular does not mean they are not also equivalent to strapping bricks to thy feet. (Also, thou shalt invest in a good sports bra if that's an issue.)

3. Honor thy body, that thy days may be long upon the land. Harken not to strict training schedules, goeth not out when thou art sick or sore, and save race training for spring- for behold, long runs bringeth no joy to the freezing.

4. Thou shalt resist the urge to buy new clothing every time thou encountereth a seller of sporting goods. But also... thou shalt not judge thy friends who may or may not own 5 pairs of black stretchy pants. Because these things happen.

5. Thou shalt not journey alone on sketchy paths. Especially the Provo River Trail: this thou shalt not travel without an help-meet. For though we do not subscribe to victim-blaming, let us also recognize that some areas are safer than others.

6. Thou shalt not depart from thy house in the late hours of night, for lo! Creepers seek to carry thee away into strange vans. Also, thou deservest to get thy beauty sleep.

7. Forsake thine angsty music. Thou shalt listen to only that which uplifts and bringeth thee happiness, for running is not the sport of haters. Unless thou art a troubled 16-year-old boy, there is no excuse for Linkin Park to have any place on thine iPod.

8. Thou shalt not cut carbs. From the depths of experience, let me repeat: Thou shalt not diet. Instead, thou shalt eat MORE carbohydrates than thy non-running friends and rejoice in thy increasing metabolism. Also, thou shalt drink water like unto a camel.

9. Observe the Sabbath Day to keep it Holy, for this is a day of rest and not of burning cals.

10. Thou shalt not seek attention in hot pink shortie shorts but clad thyself with the inner confidence of T-shirt androgyny. Nor shalt thou respond to car-honkers, whistlers, or shouters of "Hey girl."

Yea, when the world shall say to thee
"Girl, look at that body,"
thou shalt reply,
"My body is a temple- a tabernacle for mine eternal soul which is far greater than my physical appearance."

But lo, if at the time thou art not out in the glories of nature but in the gym with the bros lifting weights with the sinewy strength of thy chicken arms- then thou mayest proudly toss thy head and say,
"I work out."


  1. I love this post :) you are so great, Lauren!

  2. hahaha, I have to say that LMFAO song is one of my favorites. I just can't help it.

  3. I worship you haha this is amazing!

  4. This definitely made me laugh. Thank you!

  5. I concur with Angela...I also worship you. And I will save this post and read it until the day I die.

  6. This is fabulous. I'm going to print all of your blog posts and publish the "Pink Bible" in real life. Because it's not fair that the girls from "Pride and Prejudice: A Latter-day Tale" are the only one's benefitting.