Monday, September 3, 2012

Oh, I'll tell you Exactly what I am going to do after I graduate

Which is this December, in case you were wondering. (It's been a very popular question this week.)

You know what, fools? The Mayan calendar is ending! I've been waiting for this day since I was in 5th grade and I have timed my education perfectly, i.e. I am going to walk out from my favorite university ever with a fancy diploma that I'll never have to use- because guess what?! 
I'm getting RAPTURED, suckas!! (And hopefully, I'll see you there.) 

And in the sliver of a chance that the fabric of the universe as we know it does not unravel on that particular day, then oh wait- I'll just have a highly specialized skill set that makes me a marketable job candidate! At least in Wisconsin, because I know one person there and she's a big deal in that news market!

I have concluded that sometimes life is magical and opportunities rise up like poppies in the spring. Strange but wonderful things happen everywhere you go, like you are Giselle in New York City.

And sometimes life is not as magical, like when a diabetic person suddenly goes into cardiac arrest when you are passing by them in the mall. So what do you do? Do you complain? Do you hope that maybe if you wait a little longer, it will all get better? No! You get the defibrillator and bring back the magic yourself with some high voltage and serious adrenaline. Then you get that puppy out of there! [and when I say puppy, I mean human being!]

Bottom line: If your life is looking like a Disney movie, well done. Whatever you are doing, you should really keep doing that! And then write a self-help book for the rest of us! 
But if your life needs a little shock therapy, remember that you are the first responder here.

I tend to lean towards the dramatic when fantasizing about the future. But do not think I am not serious, because drastic things always increase my excitement tenfold. [It took me less than an hour to decide I was going to move to London and D.C.]
In the words of my mother,
I Have A Lot Of Good Options.

1.) Move to Canada/Washington/Northern California and become a park ranger, who lives in a cabin by herself in the middle of the woods and spends her days reading American poetry and Brit Lit in the glories of nature. (This is the actually the one I dream about the most often.)

2.) Move back to D.C. and work as a press assistant- or at least in J Crew, because they are hiring. ...Purchase an iron.

3.) Study for the Foreign Service Officer Exam. Eventually pass it, and serve 2-3 year stints all over the world. Get to stand in the "expert traveler" lane when going through airport security.

4.) Study for the LSAT (uh, quickly) and go to law school. Which I would probably enjoy much more than actually being a lawyer afterward.

5.) Go to Salt Lake and get an awesome job producing radio or something equally enjoyable. Live with some other people who also moved out of Provo. Or join the Occupy movement- because seriously people? Have we not gotten over this dysfunctional camping trip? What do we think this is, 2011?!

6.) I could go on a mission... OR I could go to the DR Congo and be a Mother Theresa in a fistula hospital. I read a book once that said white women can do that.

7.) Did you know the ladies who work at Clinique counters don't actually have to wear makeup? That might be a lie, but just look at them! They have clear skin and that is about it. I'm good at that.

8.) As a triple citizen (U.S., Canada, Great Britain), I can work anywhere I want in the E.U. Does anyone like to hear their news reported in an American accent? Because I speak fluent English.

9.) Kentucky. has a basement. with a bed in it. that I have first dibs on. So if I want to race horses or go to dental school, maybe it's not too late.

10.) My stars will align! I will get a lucky break and a) go on tour as someone's backup singer, b) get to write sketch comedy for the rest of my life, or c) inherit the kingdom of Genovia.

It's funny how you can own a closet full of good options and still have nothing to wear.


  1. You my friend sure know what to say to make a girl realize that it's all going to be just marvelous!!

    I can't wait to see what blossoms for you as the snow begins to melt. I'm sure it will be truly lovely.

  2. Hahaha!!!!

    Love it.

    And you're right... you have alot of good options :)

  3. I was coming over here to demand you update and give me a post and yet here it is! Dear miss Lauren I love your perspective on life! there is so much to conquer isn't there? lol and love the bit about the raptureness lol cause duh! LOL lunch sometime soon please? ... sooner the better :D LOL love you!

  4. Lauren, I just happened across your blog and read this post...and LOVED it. I was laughing my head off, not to mention, most of the things on your "options" list are things I have seriously considered myself. In fact, I was literally looking at plane tickets to London 2.36 hours ago...