Thursday, November 1, 2012

10 Things I Would Change About BYU If I Had Cecil's Job

Because just in case it happens anytime in the near future, I want to be prepared.

1.) For Men: Mustaches will be illegal and beards will be mandatory. Let's embrace our rugged pioneer heritage, here.

2.) For Women: Oh, you're on your period? Well then. You are automatically excused from all exercise classes. Because seriously?! You already feel like you are going to die. Having to do pushups or chaturangas just makes you want to kill someone first.

3.) Church services on campus must start before 1 p.m. Late church is the absolute worst. Also, this encourages Slothfulness– and based on what I learned in my humanities class, I just do not think I want to take a chance on Catholic Hell.

4.) Tomassito's, Scoreboard, Freschetta and Teriyaki Stix will all be replaced with Arby's, Chick-fil-a, Dominos, and Panda Express. Also, let's recruit the men who run the taco stand at the front of the mall in downtown SLC to set up camp here. Those little guys are delicious. (The tacos, not the people.)

5.) That one classroom on the 2nd floor of the SFH would be converted into a giant women's bathroom/ dressing room. Because TWO STALLS?? This is America. We know better.

5.5.) New signs hung in the library:  
"No Studying In Women's Bathrooms. Ever. There is just no excuse. Ever."

6.) Let's get rid of the political neutrality and just admit that Macs > PCs. And then let's get the internet to work for them.

7.) Professors must lighten the load on Conference weekend. For once, watching TV all Saturday is the right thing to do. Let's honor that.

8.) Away with the two mile radius. Housing already has to be BYU-approved; this is good. Rent inflation is bad... this is not good.

9.) Whenever there's a holiday charity drive or a festival in Spanish Fork, we always wind up with a few llamas on campus. Obviously, this is awesome. The school should really invest in a whole pack of llamas and let them roam about freely all year, giving all those wildlife management majors a newfound purpose in life. Also, this would give our golf cart tours a cool safari twist!

10.) This place is loaded with injured athletes. We could really help them out by turning the RB Stairs of Death into the RB Escalator of Eternal Life... I think all our souls could use a lift.

Under my reign term, students will also probably organize a protest "No Pants" day to give those people who complain about leggings a reality check: 
Let's show 'em what not wearing pants really looks like!

But as University President,  of course I would never endorse such a thing.


  1. Umm, hell yes to the beards (well groomed), Dominos, and Conference weekend. But mostly the beards and Dominos.

    (I may or may not have been in love with a man in Boston who rocked a beard and would order Dominos and Redbox with me every week. Heaven.)

  2. ohh my goodness I love your ideas Lauren. Especially no pants day. I would also add creating a more legit gym. Schools like JMU are showing us up gym-wise and that's just not okay. Aren't we supposed to be the healthy, fit, word of wisdom lovin people?

  3. I laugh every time I read your blog. And especially this time. Love it!

  4. Beards would also, inevitably, raise marriage rates. Hands. Down.

    I've said all along that Sister Hinckley should have donated a moving sidewalk like the ones in the airport that transports people up the hill south of campus instead of an endowment for education things. Let's be real, we can get student loans, what we can't get is a way to make it up the hill without our bangs getting sweaty.

  5. you are the greatest human alive.

  6. Ok....I hate those RB stairs, love Chik-fil-A and would totally be on board to show legging wearers that those simply are NOT pants. But secretly, all those couches in the girl's bathroom in the library kind of made me wonder why the heck I was studying in a hard wooden chair outside. However, my dignity would not allow me to be caught dead as "the girl studying in the library bathroom" hahaha.