Friday, October 19, 2012

So this is what the Middle Ages were like.

This is the end of Week 1 Without Internet. Our defense systems are crippled. It is impossible to do my homework correctly. It is also impossible to watch Hulu when I need a study break. It is impossible to look any worse than I already have been, staying on campus all day while fighting the plague that also ravaged our apartment this week. The change in the weather has made my face break out- but only around my mouth- so it looks like I'm suffering from herpes in addition to midterms and what is basically tuberculosis.

Speaking of which, I have to get tested for TB in two weeks and am already panicking. My cousin said it hurts so bad. Will I get so worked up that I cry? I have a solid history of being dramatic at (1) water parks, and (2) doctor's offices.

What if I test positive?? Will I be immediately hospitalized? Will friends gather 'round my bedside and sing me songs from Les Mis? If the Lifetime channel makes a movie about my race against the clock, will I still have enough time left to star in it? If I don't, could they get Emma Watson to play me? Will my roommates automatically get all A's when I die? (I heard that once.) Will my professors also give ME all A's, posthumously, raising my GPA to its former glory? Will BYU still print me a degree? Will all the unmarried men on campus experience at least one night of insomnia, where they lie awake in bed wondering if I was THE ONE! and if they just blew their eternal happiness by not betrothing me when they had the chance?!? Will I get to COME BACK TO PEOPLE'S DREAMS and give them advice on stuff they should do?! They can say all the things they wish they would have told me when I was alive and ask me questions about the afterlife, which I will only answer with a knowing wink! Or will I leave them clues throughout their dream and they will have to figure out what it means?! Would that turn everyone into Inception junkies and America would shut down because everyone would just want to sleep all the time to see what I'm going to tell them next?

Yes. Backspace the part about leaving scavenger hunts in dreams. That is an awesome idea that would have disastrous results. Redo: I will only show up RARELY in people's dreams, and when I do I will be very straightforward.

But maybe whenever someone says something really funny over the pulpit, you will hear a faint cackle swirling about the rafters of the chapel.

Oh, from whence is that soft breeze? the congregation will wonder. 
That tinkling laugh has an etherial musicality to it– and is not at all too loud, jarring, or inappropriately timed. 
Who does this remind us of?  
Oh! 
None other but sweet Lauren, 
with her serene temperament, clean language, and gentle sense of humor. 
How fortunate we are that her presence is gracing our meeting today! 
Gosh, she was the best.

This is the logical sequence of events I think of when told I will be tested for tuberculosis.

3 comments:

  1. I love it.

    And I hope you don't have tuberculosis :)

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  2. If you have TB I will learn all the songs from Les Mis on the harmonica AND accordion so you may have a proper scene around your bedside....that's just what friends do :)

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