Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The Personal Statement I Didn't Write

All law school applicants must submit a personal statement. This is nothing new. There is no official prompt, but I think it's generally expected that you pick something relatively traumatic but now you're stronger for it and here's what you learned blah blah blah. That's the paper I'm turning in. But if the point of the personal statement is to get to know me, then perhaps I should have written something like this:

Hi, my name is Lauren Simpson. I am 5'4", which I consider the perfect height for a woman.
That is my only quantifiable perfection, which is why I thought it was important to tell you about it right away.

Here are some miscellaneous facts about myself that may not make me a great lawyer, but certainly make me a delightful human being- and I do believe it is possible to be both.

I'm from the South, so I automatically possess that strange aura of class and down-to-earthiness that comes from one who drops her G's. I find myself very drawn to the color orange, which personality quizzes usually ascribe as a fickle heart, but you know. Whatever. I am also very drawn to mint chip ice cream and dark haired men, but so far no pseudo-scientific studies have linked those things to any kind of emotional volatility. I like my guitar acoustic and my nails painted, which is a dichotomy I have yet to resolve. I use the word "dichotomy" whenever possible, because I heard it on Mythbusters once and it made Adam Savage sound like even more of a genius than usual. Speaking of television, I provide excellent commentary during reality shows and cheesy Hallmark films. In another life, I would like to make a living doing just that. But in this one, I thought I'd stick to law.

Now that my hair is short, I have to get dressed every day because I'm scared of people seeing me as that girl (or worse, a boy) so at least I'll look the part. Also, because I'm not a mom who decided to continue her education later in life, I won't be annoying in class and try to relate personal stories about my health problems, divorce, or wayward children to the discussion topic at hand. That should be a huge plus.

I apologize in advance about my laugh. While it is warm and generous, it also tends to be rather loud and cackley. It's probably going to cause a minor disruption- during the first week of class for sure, and every once in a while after that. I have been attending Sacrament meetings for a long time, so I recognize that it is kind of inevitable. And for this, I am sorry.

I keep my cool in crisis situations and will publicly deny that I've shed tears over the end of Mulan. My father is a man of few words- but I like to think if I ever stole his identity and saved Canada, he would say his greatest gift and honor was having me for a daughter. That's just the most beautiful, Western thing I've ever heard.

I am an excellent person to have on roadtrips, which is in many ways a much stricter crucible than getting into law school. Let's say you can only admit 100 students into an incoming class. That's still 96 more than you could admit as passengers in your Corolla. (Not to project my reality on you; I'm sure you drive something nicer than a Corolla.) But my point is, I'm great at picking out harmonies and my bladder is ruled with an iron will. Are these qualities directly relatable to the making of an excellent law student? That's for you to decide.

But probably, yeah.

P.S. Sorry if I bombed the LSAT; that was my bad.


  1. I laughed so hard. You have a talent with words, Lauren. And I do miss your laugh. :-)