Monday, February 25, 2013

I Was Not An Attractive Child: an eBook by Lauren Simpson.


If I could describe my personal style in three words... Sad, Beautiful, Tragic. This eBook is a never-before-seen glimpse into my fashion choices as a child, and also the narrative of a young girl growing into her ears. Enjoy.

Chapter One- I am born, and wear a bonnet.
In which I am off to a great start. 

Chapter Two- Am I a girl? 

Chapter Three- I am forced to choose, as all little girls must, between ballet and soccer.

I correctly identified soccer as the lesser of the two evils.

Chapter Four- Homemade dresses are the bomb.


Homemade hats, too.

Lindsay's Wild Thornberry hair is stealing the show here, so let me give you a closer look at that dress.
Puffed Sleeves!

Chapter Five- A memoir of school pictures. 

Second Grade: I wear a mallard duck dress and insist on having my hair in braids.

Fourth Grade: I show up at the bus stop wearing EXACTLY THE SAME outfit as Neighbor Boy.
(Short-sleeve button-up denim shirt, khaki pants, brown shoes. We didn't call each other the night before.)

Fifth Grade: I bear an uncanny resemblance to Tobias Funke of Arrested Development. 
The fuzzy sweater was a Limited Too hand-me-down from Neighbor Girl. I don't know why she gave it away.

Ninth Grade: I straighten my hair for the first time. Bet you can't tell.

Chapter Six- Other things I wore on purpose. 

A strand of yellow yarn, tied to a barrette, which hung in my hair every day for three summer months.

These shorts. They came from a yard sale; they clashed with everything; I loved them tremendously.

First day of school, fifth grade. A generous bunny had given me the heart shirt and butterfly clips for the previous Easter– which I was really excited about, because I wore three in my hair at once.

Chapter Seven- Some things never change. 

Why do I have such a dreamy look in my eye?
Look again. I'm holding a bagel.

It's not about the turtleneck covered in Scottie dogs; it's not about the black corduroy overalls.
It's about the jingle socks.

Christmas Sweatshirts. This one was made by my Aunt Sandra and features the heads of various farm animals.
Now that I'm grown, I wish she would make me another.

I don't know when this became my go-to pose, but too late to change now. Also, going to the orthodontist is cool. Clearly.

The End.


  1. I laughed out loud at the bagel photo. It looks like you have a bagel for a hand. bagelhand.

  2. this is probably my favorite thing you have and ever will write

  3. Hawt & lolzzzz. I too have drafted a collection of my awkward outfits and phases in life, called "The Maturation of My Weirdness". I am not yet brave enough to post it.

  4. 9th grade...ah, what a time. This cracked me up. Love you, Lauren!

  5. LOVE this post. Another, another! There has got to be more pictures somewhere!

  6. I laughed throughout this whole post. I love the ballet outfit. You rocked it!

    1. Seriously, whenever I am feeling sad I look at myself in that bunny costume and then I'm not sad anymore.

  7. I read this with cameron even though he had already read it and it was a dream. HA. HA. MY FRIEND

  8. If you made this into a book, I would most definitely buy it. And read it to my children every night.

  9. The worst part of this whole post is that I recognized a lot of your clothes... from my childhood closet.