"What The Bachelorette Means To Me" by Lauren Simpson

Dramatic by nature, I enjoy competing with other girls and keeping my relationships with boyz public and affectionate. If there is anything I have learned from Jill, Al and now Em- as well as the ABC Family Original Movie I Want to Marry Ryan Banks- it is that I would be a great fit for this kind of quality television programming.

But for those of you who weren't born to be reality TV stars, let me explain how this treasured post-FHE activity will quickly become a necessary check off your weekly to-do list.

a.) No lies: this show is highly addictive. At first you joke how they're all pathetic- and say you never watch it seriously (whatever that means)- but then you find yourself getting attached to a frontrunner. A few more date cards and you're invested. Then suddenly it's Hometown week and they're meeting the family and you are seriously committed.
Don't fight it. This is actually an excellent emotional progression, for now you have the ability to spend your time analyzing other people's relationships rather than trying to deal with them yourself. Which leads me to-

b). Are you scared of talking to girls? (The prettier they are, the worse it gets?) Good news! This show is your ACE in the hole. Because guess what type of humans love to analyze this show with you? That's right-   other women.
The BYU Broadcast Program has taught me many things, including 'how to converse with girls who look like walking pinterest boards.' Many a time I have transformed an intimidating stranger into an instant cheetah sister with a casual, open-ended:

"Who do you think the next Bachelorette will be?"

"Did you see her dress last night?"

"[favorite contestant] or [second favorite contestant]?"

"Do you think they'll ride in a helicopter/scale a wall/bungee jump tonight and then use the experience as an extended metaphor about their relationship?"

Works like a charm, every time.

Which brings us to this weekend's finale. [Killing me- figuratively- but not in the good way.]

I would not have picked Jef with one F. Not personally, nor for Emily. Apparently I am far in the minority on this one- with my sisters, with the Barlow Center, and with the rest of America. We can all agree to disagree- but the question remains:

If Arie and Emily can't make it together in this world, then what kind of a chance do the rest of us think we have?? 

Way to go, Arie. Way to go down swinging and then handle it with such class. What a man.