Saving the Date

And this is a continued train of thought from the Athlete Jesus post regarding things you could discuss if (when?) the date goes sour. As meaningless trivia has now fully replaced all the room in my brain initially allotted for math, I feel like an expert in interesting conversation topics. So, next time you find yourself partaking of a bad date– and not the Indiana Jones kind– here's a last ditch effort you can try to keep things fresh and defeat the Germans.

So. PICTURE THIS.

You're halfheartedly stabbing at your sweet pork salad and wondering how you're going to make it through the next hour and a half. And both of you are pretending to be interested in 'how many kids are in your family?' and names? ages? hair colors?

It's frustrating– because like you can even keep track of how old all your siblings are, and because at the rate homeboy is going on that burrito, you're going to miss your stats test tomorrow morning.

We've all been there. And you will probably be there again in the near future, so let's be prepared. If you use some of these and they actually spur you into an interesting discussion, well done. If you use some of these and they fail miserably, your dinner partner giving you the "I'm suddenly realizing that you are kind of a freak" eyeball, then at least you will both die with the happy closure that This Was Never Meant to Be.

A FEW INTERESTING THINGS YOU CAN ASK, THAT PEOPLE WILL MOST LIKELY HAVE LEGITIMATE OPINIONS ON: [And some sample answers if you get stuck.]

Who was your first Disney crush? [Simba. I mean Adult Simba, not Child Simba. That would be gross.]

Who was your first Disney Channel crush? [The boy from Smart House, but not when he was in Luck of the Irish. The highlights, I know, right? Too much.]

Which Beyonce would you be, based on her music videos? [Beyonce from Halo, when she's a ballerina in the studio and her husband is watching her dance and then they brush their teeth together and stuff.]

Issues with the Harry Potter epilogue? [Seriously. Harry becomes an Auror, he did NOT name his child "Albus Severus," and why are Ron and Hermione still talking like they are seventeen years old? I wish she would have included more about a, b, c, etc.] *If it's true love, they will have strong feelings about this.* 

I Need Something New to Read... [Recommendations vary depending on how nerdy homeboy is, but something in the field of behavioral economics is usually a safe bet. Or Mindy Kaling's book. omg.]  

Artists For Whom You Refuse To Die Before Seeing Them In Concert? [Brandi Carlile. Josh Groban. They shaped my high school years; I have no choice. I could be talked into marrying either of them.
P.S. You've heard this song, right??]

Any reality TV shows you would be part of? [Amazing Race. And I would take every possible opportunity to say "I DIDN'T COME HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS."]

Something you wish you could be famous for? [Mmm not like normal famous. I'd want to be Norman Borlaug famous. Not exactly a household name, but a few people would be able to remember me as a principled person who contributed something incredibly meaningful to humanity. Also, I wish I was a scientist.]

Amish life. Could you handle it? [Totally. I think it would be really cool to live with them for a year and then write a book about it.]

Any Grievances About Hipsters? [YEAH. They are stealing all the names I wanted to give my children. Like, Ruby is obviously the name of Ruby Gillis, a friend of Anne of Green Gables who dies young of TB. I'm willing to bet the rest of America isn't familiar with all 8 Anne books, so how'd everyone come up with 'Ruby'???]

The Catch-22: If your date is boring, these questions may only emphasize how little you have in common. If your date is interesting, you won't be needing my help. But additional suggestions are welcome, as always.