Saving the Date

And this is a continued train of thought from the Athlete Jesus post regarding things you could discuss if (when?) the date goes sour. As meaningless trivia has now fully replaced all the room in my brain initially allotted for math, I feel like an expert in interesting conversation topics. So, next time you find yourself partaking of a bad date– and not the Indiana Jones kind– here's a last ditch effort you can try to keep things fresh and defeat the Germans.

So. PICTURE THIS.

You're halfheartedly stabbing at your sweet pork salad and wondering how you're going to make it through the next hour and a half. And both of you are pretending to be interested in 'how many kids are in your family?' and names? ages? hair colors?

It's frustrating– because like you can even keep track of how old all your siblings are, and because at the rate homeboy is going on that burrito, you're going to miss your stats test tomorrow morning.

We've all been there. And you will probably be there again in the near future, so let's be prepared. If you use some of these and they actually spur you into an interesting discussion, well done. If you use some of these and they fail miserably, your dinner partner giving you the "I'm suddenly realizing that you are kind of a freak" eyeball, then at least you will both die with the happy closure that This Was Never Meant to Be.

A FEW INTERESTING THINGS YOU CAN ASK, THAT PEOPLE WILL MOST LIKELY HAVE LEGITIMATE OPINIONS ON: [And some sample answers if you get stuck.]

Who was your first Disney crush? [Simba. I mean Adult Simba, not Child Simba. That would be gross.]

Who was your first Disney Channel crush? [The boy from Smart House, but not when he was in Luck of the Irish. The highlights, I know, right? Too much.]

Which Beyonce would you be, based on her music videos? [Beyonce from Halo, when she's a ballerina in the studio and her husband is watching her dance and then they brush their teeth together and stuff.]

Issues with the Harry Potter epilogue? [Seriously. Harry becomes an Auror, he did NOT name his child "Albus Severus," and why are Ron and Hermione still talking like they are seventeen years old? I wish she would have included more about a, b, c, etc.] *If it's true love, they will have strong feelings about this.* 

I Need Something New to Read... [Recommendations vary depending on how nerdy homeboy is, but something in the field of behavioral economics is usually a safe bet. Or Mindy Kaling's book. omg.]  

Artists For Whom You Refuse To Die Before Seeing Them In Concert? [Brandi Carlile. Josh Groban. They shaped my high school years; I have no choice. I could be talked into marrying either of them.
P.S. You've heard this song, right??]

Any reality TV shows you would be part of? [Amazing Race. And I would take every possible opportunity to say "I DIDN'T COME HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS."]

Something you wish you could be famous for? [Mmm not like normal famous. I'd want to be Norman Borlaug famous. Not exactly a household name, but a few people would be able to remember me as a principled person who contributed something incredibly meaningful to humanity. Also, I wish I was a scientist.]

Amish life. Could you handle it? [Totally. I think it would be really cool to live with them for a year and then write a book about it.]

Any Grievances About Hipsters? [YEAH. They are stealing all the names I wanted to give my children. Like, Ruby is obviously the name of Ruby Gillis, a friend of Anne of Green Gables who dies young of TB. I'm willing to bet the rest of America isn't familiar with all 8 Anne books, so how'd everyone come up with 'Ruby'???]

The Catch-22: If your date is boring, these questions may only emphasize how little you have in common. If your date is interesting, you won't be needing my help. But additional suggestions are welcome, as always.

Goodbye, My Favorites!

Goodbye, Smith's Grocery. I'll miss the way you always keep me in the loop on who is in a serious relationship, and who is just picking up s'more ingredients for a group date. I'll miss you especially, Marci the greatest checkout lady in the world, whose line I will always stand in even if it's long because then I can just read People magazine while I wait. I think you are the nicest mom ever.

Goodbye, Provo Library. I'll miss how classy you look from the outside and how close you are to my house.

Goodbye, Einstein bagels. [So... I know you've been out of the good pumpkin stuff for a while but I haven't gotten any email coupons from you lately, either. ARE WE BREAKING UP OR WHAT?? I mean I'm leaving it's fine it doesn't matter anyway so we're cool I don't care whatever I can take it just tell me.]

Goodbye, Boys of Provo. I will miss the way your rumpled heads fit into beanies, and the way your legs fit into grey skinny jeans. I will miss listening to you complain about your love lives, but not about how many years of school you have left before you graduate.

Goodbye, Girls of Provo. I will miss your incredible wit, and that cute little baby drop of drool that falls upon your wee chins like a Pavlov response to the words "J.Crew." I will miss your detailed analyses of people you have never met and your devotion to the establishment of Slab Pizza.

Goodbye, BYU Bathrooms in which I would always use the handicapped stall because I am a woman of luxury.

Goodbye, Twisty Ab Machine in the SFH Weight Room. You were my favorite. [You too, Hip Adductor.]

Goodbye, Wild & Sober Dance Parties. Not only are you actually a thing, you stand as a shining beacon of Mormon culture. #Sportscamps4LYFE

Goodbye, Local Bands. I love that we have enough of you to keep both Muse AND Velour in business. GTGT.

Goodbye, Campus. I'll miss the way you make your employees decorate you ALL OUT for Christmas, even though it's only up for two weeks and one of those is finals. It is so frivolous, and I love it.

Goodbye, Utah Construction. I'll miss the way you always gave me an extra 25 minutes to ponder on the really important things in life. Nope. Not true. I'll see your orange cones again in hell– perhaps accompanied by a 6th-grade concert band, extra trumpet.

Goodbye, You Darling Friends! If you want to take a rockin spring break next semester, just hit me up in Louisville, Kentucky. I will show you all the fun things there are to do with my one friend, Franklin the Dog.

All my love to you and yours. 

xoxo

BYU Dating 101 is Actually a Real Class

Not. even. kidding.

Dating: Romance & Reason. is a free BYU Independent Study course.
IF ONLY THIS WAS OFFERED ON CAMPUS, I would pay someone ten dollars to take it and then regale their experiences to me after the fact.

Here are the lessons:

• Lesson 1 - Dating: Why and When
• Lesson 2 - Dating: Planning, Asking, Accepting
• Lesson 3 - On the Date
• Lesson 4 - Chastity: The Case for Waiting
• Lesson 5 - Personality: Who Are You?
• Lesson 6 - Relationships: Who Are We?
• Lesson 7 - What is Love?
 

Recommended Extra Reading: 
 "Many popular magazines deal with dating and related subjects like marriage, love, courtship, and especially relationship issues... Some of these magazines, such as “The Readers Digest,” treat these issues in responsible ways. Others, in my opinion, do not give good advice, so be careful."

ONE DAY, BYU WILL HIRE ME TO TEACH THIS.

• Lesson 1- Bowling is The Worst. 
• Lesson 2- Just Let People Know if You're Going to Feed Them or Not.
• Lesson 3- You Can Still Be Friends.
• Lesson 4- Rebounds are Totally Fine as Long as You're Both on the Same Page.
• Lesson 5- Don't Be Turned Off by Dad Shoes, If They Have All the Other Essentials.
• Lesson 6- How to Not Make Everyone Want to Kill You When You are in a Serious Relationship.
• Lesson 7- Pinterest 101: Look, Here is Your Wedding.

10 Things I Would Change About BYU If I Had Cecil's Job

Because just in case it happens anytime in the near future, I want to be prepared.

1.) For Men: Mustaches will be illegal and beards will be mandatory. Let's embrace our rugged pioneer heritage, here.

2.) For Women: Oh, you're on your period? Well then. You are automatically excused from all exercise classes. Because seriously?! You already feel like you are going to die. Having to do pushups or chaturangas just makes you want to kill someone first.

3.) Church services on campus must start before 1 p.m. Late church is the absolute worst. Also, this encourages Slothfulness– and based on what I learned in my humanities class, I just do not think I want to take a chance on Catholic Hell.

4.) Tomassito's, Scoreboard, Freschetta and Teriyaki Stix will all be replaced with Arby's, Chick-fil-a, Dominos, and Panda Express. Also, let's recruit the men who run the taco stand at the front of the mall in downtown SLC to set up camp here. Those little guys are delicious. (The tacos, not the people.)

5.) That one classroom on the 2nd floor of the SFH would be converted into a giant women's bathroom/ dressing room. Because TWO STALLS?? This is America. We know better.

5.5.) New signs hung in the library:  

"No Studying In Women's Bathrooms. Ever. There is just no excuse. Ever."

6.) Let's get rid of the political neutrality and just admit that Macs > PCs. And then let's get the internet to work for them.

7.) Professors must lighten the load on Conference weekend. For once, watching TV all Saturday is the right thing to do. Let's honor that.

8.) Away with the two mile radius. Housing already has to be BYU-approved; this is good. Rent inflation is bad... this is not good.

9.) Whenever there's a holiday charity drive or a festival in Spanish Fork, we always wind up with a few llamas on campus. Obviously, this is awesome. The school should really invest in a whole pack of llamas and let them roam about freely all year, giving all those wildlife management majors a newfound purpose in life. Also, this would give our golf cart tours a cool safari twist!

10.) This place is loaded with injured athletes. We could really help them out by turning the RB Stairs of Death into the RB Escalator of Eternal Life... I think all our souls could use a lift.


Under my reign term, students will also probably organize a protest "No Pants" day to give those people who complain about leggings a reality check: 

Let's show 'em what not wearing pants really looks like!

But as University President,  of course I would never endorse such a thing.

The Internship That's Not About Bunnies

In nine days I start my internship with the National Council for Adoption. Doing "media relations" and "shadowing their attorney on the Hill"- so basically, I have no idea either. We're just gonna let this thing fly.
Also, in case you were going to ask (again) "So what do you want to do after you graduate?"
my answer is still a vague but promising "Something awesome." Right now I have more important things to figure out. Things like how to work the D.C. metro and where to buy food.

Never having been a pregnant teenager myself, I actually have no experience with adoption. So how FORTUNATE that right before the semester ended I got to help a real-life orphan stay out of the system.

My friends found him underneath a car in the parking lot- named him Dobby and took him in- even though it was finals week and they really didn't have time to deal with a rabbit pooping all over their house. What good souls. Naturally, as soon as fb informed me of this I was at their front door with some carrots.

We tried to take Dobby for a walk (hop?)... the leash was made for a small cat but could also accommodate a rather large bunny. Turns out the reason Dobby is so large may be because he doesn't really like to jump around in the grass but likes very much to sit there and eat it.

Let's be honest: I am not an animal person. But that thing was like a stuffed rabbit, I tell you. It would just lie there in your arms and calmly wiggle its nose.
I was smitten.

Natter the Elementary Education Major.
"Just attach this photo to your resume and anyone will hire you."

Using my "social networking skills" that I bragged about in my application I started a marketing campaign (ie. status update) to save dear Dobby from the animal shelter.
As it happens, another girl I don't know adopted him first. But FOR THE RECORD, I did have a legitimate bunny-lover contact me after the fact.

What this experience has taught me is that successful adoptions can take place as long as you have
a) friends who are looking to 'add one more' to the family, or

b) friends who just can't say no to faces like this.

Congratulations on your new home, Dobby!!

Understanding Same-Gender Attraction panel notes

I was so proud of BYU. It's the first time they've ever been able to host something like this. Hopefully it will continue in the future.

My friends and I got there right at 6 p.m. Probably 15 minutes later, all seats were taken. The forum started 10 minutes early because "there's no sense in waiting for more people to get here." Bodies covered the floor, walls, and teemed in pools outside every entrance to the room, standing near enough so they could just hear what was being said.

6:30 p.m. Half an hour before this thing was supposed to start.

They didn't allow recordings, videos, etc. - but I took copious notes. *
You can visit the BYU USGA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) page here.  For more information from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on homosexuality, you can read God Loveth His Children.

For now, I'll just give the Reader's Digest version of the panel:
Four students stood and shared their experiences grappling with homosexuality while remaining active in the LDS faith: 2 gay men, 1 gay woman, and 1 bisexual man. One was happily married (to a member of the opposite sex) and has a daughter. Two of them, stereotypically speaking, "looked the part," while I would never have assumed anything unusual about the sexual orientation of the other two based on physical appearance. All were Honor-Code abiding, full-time BYU students.

Some similar themes of their personal narratives included:
- experiences of confusion, frustration and honesty when trying to date members of the opposite sex in high school and college
- for men: the ability to serve an honorable full-time mission without any negative repercussions
- a period of time spent trying to "fix it" as if homosexual predispositions are connected to any lack of worthiness or righteousness; being hyper-diligent and faithful in all spiritual aspects as some kind of bargain for God to remove the burden of homosexuality (which never works)
- a deeper empathy and love for the human population and a stronger testimony of the Atonement and gospel of Jesus Christ
- these strong spiritual convictions (or testimonies) accompanied by an unclear view of the future; ambivalent about how they could reconcile their personal feelings with the doctrines and practices of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in a long-term solution
- a sense of isolation followed by a sense of connectivity when they found people who shared their struggles and experiences, usually via the internet (at least at first)

The anecdotes shared were a mix of the painful and the humorous.
All panelists agreed it is honest and appropriate to come out to people who you are dating, when it gets far enough. My favorite story came from the girl, who said:
"Once I had been dating a guy a few times and it was at the point where I wanted to tell him. So we were going out to dinner and I was nervous, which made him nervous- and it was like oh! the nervousness. So finally I told him... but he was so relieved! He said, “Oh! I was afraid you were going to tell me you were waiting on a missionary.”

(She was full of zingers.) When describing the good to the ugly about roommate relations, she said that some girls felt like she was shoving a liberal, gay agenda down their throats, no matter what she did.
“It’s not like I wake up and I’m like ‘Here’s my agenda... oh wait... Now I’m going to get my gay agenda.”

The team strongly encouraged asking questions to friends who come out, rather than getting your information from the internet. (As Mormons, it's something we all could relate to.) They also provided us with
Bad Questions to Ask
1. When did you choose to become gay? ("Why would anyone CHOOSE this? Especially at BYU?!")
2. So you're gay, but you're not gay gay, right? (Just because you aren't "flaming" does not mean you aren't gay.)
3. Do you think maybe you just haven't found the right girl yet? (or boy, if you're talking to a woman.)
4. Do you think I'm attractive? ("You don't want to know.")
and also, some Good Questions to Ask
1. How long have you known?
2. Has it been hard carrying this as a secret?
3. Have I ever offended you unknowingly?
4. Silence is an option here. You can always be a supportive listener.

A couple points to end on:
As a culture, we are 100x more accepting of gay men than gay women. Why that is, I don't know. But you don't see any lesbians get cast as the "quirky best friend" in movies, like gay men do. So major props to that girl for making the panel 25% female. Way to break down stigmas.

There was a big emphasis throughout the meeting on feelings v. actions. You can't control your feelings. You can control what feelings you act out on. Having homosexual feelings is in no way a sin.

*Literally, I have 8 pages of notes. If you comment with your email address, I will send them to you.