"Brandon Davies?! I would have his illegitimate child ANY day of the week."
"One day my awkward children are going to have the biggest middle-school crushes on their genetically perfect kids."
"So when someone breaks into my house, how do I punish him? Do I kill his mule?"
"(chanting) Kill his mule! Kill his mule!"
"My mom is LITERALLY going to die.
Wait... that is not true at all.
My mom is literally going to be very excited. Her death is figurative."
"Why is it bands here are never ready to start on time? They get up on stage and ask 'Oh, does anyone have a guitar we can borrow?'"
"I just find it insulting that Yoplait thinks I don't notice or mind the difference between cinnamon-roll flavored yogurt and an ACTUAL cinnamon roll."
(Girl in parking lot drops bottle of ranch dressing.)
"SAVE THE RANCH!!
Wait! I forgot the window was down! Ahh they totally heard that. Pull a 40!"
My life is filled with very funny people. And lots of "you had to be there" moments.