When I Am Famous

When I am famous, you will know it.
 

I'm still working on the "how" part, but believe me- it's going to be good. And it's definitely going to happen within the next decade, so I'm not going to be the one to tell you not to hold your breath.
Because it could also be tomorrow.

If I ever do weather again, I'll do a better job and post the video.
Also, I will not wear that sweater.

If there's anything I learned from Megamind, it is that everyone loves reporters. Especially ones who still have a hankering to chop all their hair off- even though they may not go on another date for the next three years until it grows back out to a reasonable length. 

AND I have been practicing the ukulele for my Washington, D.C. debut. So the planets and all my ducks are pretty much in a line, as far as that goes. My big break is coming. I just want to be ready.

When I am famous, I will have a personal chef to prepare delicious meals for me that will be ready when I come home. LIke THIS asparagus grilled cheese.

Personal chef will also be responsible for SLR photo-documentation so my fans can glean insight into the beautiful lunches I eat.

Sometimes we will play "Chopped," a game in which I return home and start throwing random items out of my cupboard in a maniac fit. "Fruit Loops! Parsley! This gifted wheel of cheese!" and Personal Chef will have to deliver some delicious concoction to me within half an hour.
("Thank you for my cereal-crusted salmon with french bread and herbed cheese fondue, Personal Chef. That was delightful. We will resume with snacktime in two and a half hours.")

I will have a personal stylist who will take me to J. Crew, tell me I look good, and buy me things.
When I ask, "Gold sparkles?" Personal Stylist will always answer "Yes." (The same also goes for sweatpants.) 

I am not crazy about pools. I mean, I am a GREAT layer-outer, but I can be slick with sweat and still not have the urge to jump in the deep end and douse my hair.

So when I am famous, I will probably not have a pool. But I will definitely have a pool boy. Most likely three. Since I won't have an actual pool to clean, their job will mostly consist of feeding me frozen grapes, fanning my neck, and serenading me on guitar in their swim trunks whilst I absorb my Vitamin D. 

I saw this on a Pinterest bucket list. REALLY, people?? Way to shoot for the stars. 

When I go to the Ellen DeGeneres show, I won't be dancing in the audience with the rest of you fools.

I will be dancing like a fool all by myself on stage. I will sit in the comfy interviewee seat. I will probably get pranked or start crying over a sloth or something, which you will later show to your friends and family via youtube and brag, "I was there when Lauren Simpson stuck that thing up her nose!"

As many of you may know, I have found my true calling this semester in my floral design class. It has spoiled me considerably. When I am famous, I will always have fresh flowers on my table. And also bowls filled with every different kind of M&M that exists.

When I am famous, I will have a giant library. And a balcony attached to it. With a hammock.

When I am famous, I will be a "regular" at Bikram Yoga. Other members of the class will be specially selected based on their ability to not whine while simultaneously not putting me to shame with their elastic spines.

The face that will one day grace your cereal box.

So if you want to get out your bathing suit and sweat towel now and start practicing... I'd say not a bad idea.