Goodbye, Provo Library. I'll miss how classy you look from the outside and how close you are to my house.
Goodbye, Einstein bagels. [So... I know you've been out of the good pumpkin stuff for a while but I haven't gotten any email coupons from you lately, either. ARE WE BREAKING UP OR WHAT?? I mean I'm leaving it's fine it doesn't matter anyway so we're cool I don't care whatever I can take it just tell me.]
Goodbye, Boys of Provo. I will miss the way your rumpled heads fit into beanies, and the way your legs fit into grey skinny jeans. I will miss listening to you complain about your love lives, but not about how many years of school you have left before you graduate.
Goodbye, Girls of Provo. I will miss your incredible wit, and that cute little baby drop of drool that falls upon your wee chins like a Pavlov response to the words "J.Crew." I will miss your detailed analyses of people you have never met and your devotion to the establishment of Slab Pizza.
Goodbye, BYU Bathrooms in which I would always use the handicapped stall because I am a woman of luxury.
Goodbye, Twisty Ab Machine in the SFH Weight Room. You were my favorite. [You too, Hip Adductor.]
Goodbye, Wild & Sober Dance Parties. Not only are you actually a thing, you stand as a shining beacon of Mormon culture. #Sportscamps4LYFE
Goodbye, Local Bands. I love that we have enough of you to keep both Muse AND Velour in business. GTGT.
Goodbye, Campus. I'll miss the way you make your employees decorate you ALL OUT for Christmas, even though it's only up for two weeks and one of those is finals. It is so frivolous, and I love it.
Goodbye, Utah Construction. I'll miss the way you always gave me an extra 25 minutes to ponder on the really important things in life. Nope. Not true. I'll see your orange cones again in hell– perhaps accompanied by a 6th-grade concert band, extra trumpet.
Goodbye, You Darling Friends! If you want to take a rockin spring break next semester, just hit me up in Louisville, Kentucky. I will show you all the fun things there are to do with my one friend, Franklin the Dog.
All my love to you and yours.